Confessions of a Broken Heart

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Confessions of a Broken Heart

I remember, the day July 8, 2008 like it was yesterday. That was the day my world came tumbling down, the day I felt short of breath and the day you broke my heart into a million pieces. I was just getting back into New York after I had visited my relatives in Atlanta. You even kissed me good bye as you walked me to the terminal. I gave you a wink and mouthed I love you as I boarded the plane. You were my everything; you were my first thought when I woke up in the morning and the last thought as I went to sleep.

I woke up very early that fateful day and I received a very urgent text message on my cellphone. The message read: “Drew I need to speak to you right away come quick, I need to see you as soon as possible”. After I made breakfast, I jumped into my truck and headed to Bronx. There was bumper to bumper traffic as I got on the Jackie Robinson Parkway. As I sat in my truck I thought to myself, is she okay? Is she hurt? or did someone try to do harm to her. I knew she dealt with abusive relationships in the past but I was nothing like that. I would never ever do harm to a woman by physically, emotionally or mentally abusing her. All I knew was my girl needed to see me and whatever she needed I’d be there for her.

I finally got out of traffic and I drove  frantically to her house. As I walked out of my car, I took a deep breath and prayed everything was alright.  Everything wasn’t alright, because when she answered the door I saw tears streaming down her face. I walked inside and tried to calm her down as best as I could. I wiped away her tears, cracked a joke and a smile appeared on face for a second. I asked her what was wrong and what had her all broken up in tears. She moved away from the couch and said she had been seeing someone else for about a month. When she told me those words my heart dropped to the floor and broke in a million pieces. I guess she thought I was going to hit her because she crouched in a fetal position. I didn’t hit her curse her out. I just looked at her with disgust, solace, distaste. From now on she’d be known as Ms. X,  the one who ripped my heart into a million pieces. I didn’t even want to look at her, I feel in love with her eyes but those eyes represented a deceitful liar.

She tried to touch and chase after me but I didn’t want to hear it. Nothing could make me talk to her or see her again. I found out she had creeping around with the guy who was previously abusive to her. On the drive home, I could feel my heart dropping and everything around me felt numb. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach and i wasn’t expecting it.  I didn’t expect to be cheated on and never expected to be lied to. I didn’t know she was living a double life, out with me and out with some abusive guy the next. My world shut off and I didn’t care about anything or anyone. I cried myself to sleep that night; my pillow was soaked in tears for the next few nights. I even had to call in from work because I was too heartbroken to even walk down the street. I would look the other way when I saw a couple hold hands or do any other love crap. When I heard a sad R&B song I would immediately change the dial on the radio station. I felt like Ne-yo when he said he was so sick of love songs because that how I truly felt. I must have listened to The Dream’s song “Nikki” about a million times and I know that song word for word and line for line.

Everyday seemed like it was dreary, damp and rainy. Even when the sun was shining at its brightest in the sky it seemed to be non-stop raining in my heart. You crushed my heart, stepped on it and me look like a fool for the time we were seeing each other. I felt like the biggest sucker in the world because I was blinded by love. I would spend countless hours on the phone with you laughing and joking. Now the sound of your voice makes me sick and literally wants to throw up. I remember the night we bumped into each other at friend’s party. I thought to myself damn she’s beautiful with soft brown skin and a smile that can light up Christmas trees in Manhattan during Christmas. We got to know each other and fell for each other instantly. It didn’t matter that I was about two years younger than her; I just wanted to show her that I was different. I wanted to tear down that wall she had and wanted to show her that all guys aren’t the same.

Now all I get are these text messages or instant messages about how your sorry, how you wish you hadn’t done that to me, how you were wrong and to give you another chance. It will be a cold day in hell before I let you back into my life.

For days I could barely even sleep or eat. The vivacious and lively person I am was replaced a gloomy and low spirited person. My friends started to notice I was starting to become withdrawn and I barely even went out. I always kept the shades drown down in room because I was feeling down and out. I would always keep to myself, answering phone calls and text messages seemed to be a non-factor at that point. Even worse my grandma, a person who I loved dearly was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and i didn’t even know.   The only thing that kept me sane that summer was my cousin D.J who is like my big sister. I had flown to California to see my grandma and to meet up with D.J in Sacramento. One night while I was there I left the door unlocked and she noticed I was crying. At first I didn’t want to tell her what was going on but I gave in. She was first person I had told since I had gotten my heart broken. She said,” Hey Drew this shit happens and soon enough you will find a new girl and someone who will love you for you. It’s going to be alright”. She comforted me and made me feel some type of self-worth again. Up until that point I felt like I was nothing. She got me back to smiling, laughing, joking and most of all being myself.

Yes Ms. X you might have broken my heart but you didn’t break me as person. I still don’t want to hear from you or speak to you because you aren’t worth my team. At the time I was blinded by love but I see much clearer now. Truthfully I hope you find happiness but I’m glad it won’t be with me. You’ve died my heart and my love for you that once so strong is now gone out the window and it will never come back. I’m glad you the best thing I never had.

 

 

 

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